It’s really hard to tell when you’re in love but there are a plethora of signs to show that you have fallen out of it. They don’t make you feel the way they once did, you no longer want to see them, you struggle to remember a time when you liked them, you can’t see yourself feeling any different towards them than the way you do now. That’s how I felt this summer but I hadn’t fallen out of love with God, I hadn’t even fallen out of love with a man. This year I fell out of love with my life.
I should probably ask you now if you want the long version or the short version. But seeing as we only have a few hundred words to tell this in I guess the short will have to do. So here goes…
I started this year content. I had a job offer on the table that I had secured from my summer internship and although my second year grades hadn’t left me dancing for joy, third year still had everything to play for. So I played along, I did more of the reading list then I had ever attempted in previous years and I shared my testimony of how I was due to join those escaping the graduate curse of unemployment. Then March came, and the storm hit, and everyday the time I spent with Jesus literally gave me the joy I needed to counteract the despair I woke up feeling and went to sleep wallowing in. My days were filled with tears and frustration but I remember thinking I just need to make it to summer and life will be on it’s way up, only summer came and events took a downward spiral .
The first knock was results. I’m writing this post and I can’t say that I’m 100% over it, but there is a bigger picture outside of Daniela’s emotions and I really want to share what I learned over the past few months. I remember logging into my university portal and realising that I hadn’t met the conditions of my job offer. Rent would be due and bills would need paying and the security of the salary I was expecting lay in the balance. I’ve never really tasted educational failure before and everything was suddenly so final that I couldn’t avoid the breakdown that was coming. I felt as though bits of myself, the bits that I knew to be true, were floating away before I could reach out and hold myself together. If I was no longer smart then where did I stand and how was this new Daniela supposed to function. I’ve never been a genius but smartness has always been my edge and now that hand been sandpapered away I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself.
So I was sad, but not stumbling at breaking point because all things work together for our good and that meant everything was going to work out in the end.
The next blow came when my job offer seemed to be slipping away. I’d played the scenario over and over in my head which always ended with them telling me that I could still work there regardless of my grades that when I explained the situation and that wasn’t what came out of their lips I wasn’t just hurt I was half surprised. All things work together for our good and things just weren’t working out the way I had imagined they would.
Emotion check: still sad but altogether hopeful. My employer had said I would have to appeal my grades and so this was just a speed bump on the journey, making the testimony I would give at the end of the road that little bit sweeter.
The month of August changed my life. The appeal didn’t go through and the job disappeared and I felt as though all the wiring in me had been cut in weird places. I was still living breathing, eating (and putting on weight, but we’ll get into that another day) but I had become completely disconnected with the life I used to love and the day I used to look forward to awaking into.
And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
All things were meant to work together for my good and they hadn’t worked out.
Well not in the way I thought they would at least.
Life in September felt pretty numb. I kept getting reminded by those around me of how faithful God is and that God has everything under control, but I could no longer be sure. I didn’t fall out of love with my first love I just didn’t completely trust him anymore. He said he would bring me to a perfect end, but I was pretty sure it was over and life was far from perfect. How was I supposed to trust him when he was being soooo silent. I was so preoccupied with trying to find out what next I wasn’t paying attention to the lesson he was trying to teach me.
Then I got sent Philippians 4:6-7 twice and had to climb out of the hole I was living in.
Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
I had become bitter because I was scared. I feared the fact that bills were due and my bank weren’t going to extend my overdraft. I feared the lack of purpose I had. I feared my capability of getting a job when most grad schemes request grades I haven’t got.
I read Philippians and changed my prayer. I stopped praying for a miracle with my old job and started praying for the job that he’d like me to have. Last week I got a job and even found a sector that I want to apply to next year. To God, who may not read my blog but sees my heart, I thank you.
Have you heard the saying that you don’t know what you’ve got until you’ve lost it? 2014 has been one of those years. I felt like I’d lost so much I’d never be able to love life again. God was meant to work everything out and I didn’t felt like he had until I realised that I was reading the scripture wrong. It didn’t mean things would work out the way I wanted them too.
We don’t always like what’s good for us, but I’m so glad for the things I learnt from my storm. For everyone still holding on to God and wondering when he’s going to sort everything out I hope that the knowledge that God works everything out for your good will be of comfort to you.
Don’t stop holding on