I had no idea what to write about today. It just wasn’t coming together – maybe because I am so tired after the week I’ve had. I am currently leaving the house at 6.30am. Not waking up at 6.30
(which in itself is a bit mad). I am leaving the house at 6.30am and getting to work just before 8am. This is one of the drawbacks of my dream job: the early mornings. I imagine as I progress in my career, the mornings will get easier and I’ll just adjust to it (I don’t actually think this will be the case, my eyes hurt, I want to sleep and I’m not sure if I’m going to last very long).
Last month (or maybe the month before) I wrote about giving up my religion in order to find my faith. I ditched all my Church duties (literally) and decided that I needed to get back to the ‘why’: why I loved God, why I attended Church every week, why I involved myself in various departments, why I spent 4/7 weekdays in Church…The ‘why’ had become lost in the hustle and bustle of Church life, somewhere in the midst of the hallelujahs, amens and turn to your neighbours, I had lost myself. I think once the ‘why’ becomes unreachable one needs to take a step back. I promised you an update on how I was getting on with my search: for God, for peace of mind, for the ‘why’, for meaning, for something. Of course, true to form, I haven’t actually updated you.
Well, here it is.
I’m about a month in and I’m failing and succeeding all at once. How can you fail and succeed at the same time, you ask? Keep reading.
I still struggle with the ‘want’. Some days, I don’t really want to read my Bible. Why am I resistant?
Shrugs. I really couldn’t tell you why I’m able to run through a 500 page novel with zeal, eyes wide open but reading a chapter of the Bible, at times, feels like I’m attempting to climb the Mount Everest. I’d rather drink cocktails, eat chicken and cake, watch Grey’s Anatomy and fall asleep with tears in my eyes (happy tears, of course – Shonda hasn’t killed anyone in a while). But that’s not enough for me. I want more – so much more. My want doesn’t always translate into action but I’m working on it. God is like this big ocean, waiting to be explored, longing to be explored, and I’m still tinkering on the shore in my too-small-bikni, trying to catch sun rays and the lifeguard’s attention. Life begins in that sea with Him, I’m sure it does; life begins when I stop being afraid of drowning in that which I do not know and trust that I’ll find myself amongst the waves, in the depths of the ocean.
I also be treating God like my therapist. I throw myself at least 6784 pity parties each day. Some of them last 30 seconds, others can last hours. Now, my pity parties arrive in the form of negative thoughts pertaining to my worth/future/whatever I’m overthinking that day. It’s only today that I realised that they were indeed pity parties and I needed to pull the plug on them. I feel a bit bad for God, I say that I’m praying but really it’s just a long lament about ….*insert sob story here*…ending with a:
“But, why me, God? Well, it would be me. These things always happen to me”
^^^ How embarrassing.
I will write more about Mental Health in the coming months but I will say that changing my faulty thought processes and trying to stop internalising every bad thing happens is probably the greatest battle of my life.
I am reading my Bible reguarly(ish)
I’d say no day goes by without me reading a scripture. It might be a chapter, it might be 5..sometimes it’s only a verse. But it’s something. And it’s regular. And I can feel myself growing again. I am no longer stagnant, unsure and weary. I can see again.
I am listening to only sermons again
Some are awful. Can someone recommend some good podcasts? I’d so appreciate it.
I am praying more
Lamenting, communicating, speaking, loving, adoring, being. It’s all happening.
I am trusting God
I made decisions last year that are negatively impacting my day-to-day life. I’m not sure why things have panned out the way that they have, but I completely believe that eventually, it will all make sense. Now, when I say that I’m trusting God to work things out, it’s not some fancy idiom, a Christianese saying to appease my audience and convince them that I’m on the right track; no, it is a geninue delcation of my faith, where I admit to the listener (and to myself) that while I do not have the answers, I feel safe and secure because I am resting with the one who does.
I give God all of the credit
I shouldn’t be where I am. When I think about it, I shouldn’t even be alive right now, typing this with red eyes (I’m tired, remember?) But I am. I’m still here. I can only attribute it to God. It’s not by chance, it’s not a coincidence…it’s purpose. Really grateful to God for keeping me and for continuing to take me into spaces I have no right being in.
Okay, enough about me now. I hope this update has been worth the read. If you have any questions or would like to recommend any podcasts (!!!!!!) comment and ting.
Lots of love,