When You Feel Like A Side Chick



4 minutes in and I’m still struggling to think of the best opening for this post. I’ve got a severe case of writer’s block at the moment and a million and one things on my mind. I’ve toyed with the idea(s) of being dramatic, opening with a joke, taking a trip down memory lane and starting with a question, but… I’ve decided to go with the latter. 

Why doesn’t God speak to you?

For a long time, I’ve found myself dipping in and out of praying and speaking to God because of my frequent disappointment at the fact that I never seemed to get the response I was looking for, the direction I was asking for, or the sign I was waiting for. It felt as though I was sending my prayers up to Him and He was just blue-ticking me. He always seemed to be dealing with His ‘more important’ children first, those He had plans for, those He wanted to use, those who had an actual purpose here on this earth, before getting back to little old B who could wait until He came back online to respond with “lol”.

I was (and still am) surrounded by people who were (are) hearing from God left and right, receiving clear direction and confirmation on things they already believed to be true whilst I was there, twiddling my thumbs, still in the dark after having asked the same question for 3 years, feeling no closer to knowing the answer. I started to feel jealous. I felt jealous of other people and the fact that God seemingly held them closer to His heart and wanted to make sure they knew He was with them every step of the way.

A few weeks ago, on a day where I was particularly ‘over it’, I went to church with a friend and she, in that service, received direct confirmation from God about something she had heard repeatedly by family members, family friends etc. and as she was telling me, I could see the sheer joy spread across every inch of her face as her eyes lit up and her body trembled with excitement. It was as though a layer was removed from her eyes and she was closer to seeing what she was meant to be doing and was encouraged to keep pushing forward.  It was so beautiful to see.

When I got home and prayed, it started off as the usual, you know, “thank you God for xxx…” and then all of a sudden, I broke down. My prayer changed from simply giving thanks and praying for the week ahead to “why do you never speak to me?” and “if you don’t have anything to say to me, that’s fine, but you should at least tell me so I’m not aimlessly waiting.” It was in that moment that I realised what I had been carrying around. 

It was probably part of the reason why I wasn’t regular at church and didn’t care, why I would constantly daydream during service, why I wouldn’t fully participate in praise and worship; and why I was always looking at my watch, waiting for the time to pass so I could go home to another week of not reading my bible and not really praying, but demanding that God somehow speak to me. 

I became so angry and frustrated with God when, honestly, it was very cheeky of me to demand that He speak to me when I wasn’t even dedicated to my relationship with Him. I was content with our ‘Hi Bye’, thing. But, if I truly knew Him, I would not even dare to question whether or not I was important to Him and whether or not He cared enough about me to want to use me and thought only good things towards me. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

It was also very cheeky of me to say that He never spoke to me when He has spoken to me on multiple occasions where I simply dismissed it because it was not concerning whatever I was interested in at the time. I was basically saying “Lord show me a sign! Oh… no, not that one. You know the sign I mean” in a nutshell.

My doubts came from the fact that I was drifting rapidly away from Him and forgetting what made me give my life over to Him in the first place. I forgot what was truly important – Him. I became so selfish and self-absorbed in my pursuit (or lack thereof) of Him that in order to repair this, I needed to take it all the way back to basics. 

So, last Sunday, I walked into church and thought to myself, you haven’t been very grateful lately so maybe it’s time to give real thanks – let’s start there. I completely threw myself in and gave Him all I had (which was not even a hundredth of what He deserves by the way). It felt as though a weight was lifted and I was free to just enjoy being in His presence and hearing His Word. I even stopped doing the stiff side-to-side movement I became accustomed to. I felt as though I was home again. I was in that safe place where it was just me and Him and I had missed it so much. It’s so easy to forget what that feels like. Whilst we were praying, one of our leaders pulled me to the side and started to tell me what God was telling her I needed to know about hearing from Him – God was speaking to me through her. 

If you find that you are not hearing from God and don’t understand why, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do you know Him well enough to recognise His voice? 
  • Have you prescribed the way in which you want Him to communicate with you?
  • Do you doubt that what you hear is Him?
  • Do you ignore what He says because it’s not what you want to hear?

When you find yourself frustrated at God and feel like you’re no closer to understanding anything, just remember who He is. Remember how much He loves you. Remember His character. Remember all He’s already done for you and He will reveal what He sees fit to reveal to you in His time. If you don’t remember who He is, it’s probably best you start there. And remember, if you haven’t heard anything in a while, open the Bible; He has spoken.

Jeremiah 29:13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

Love, Stella


2 thoughts on “When You Feel Like A Side Chick”

  1. Sorry….sent unfinished email. But what i wanted to say was that this post connected to me in such a realistic way because during the two years with my ex…I felt like a side chick and my relationship with God is like that. I treat him like a sidechick. So today when I read your post I decided to do better. I am not a very relogious person but I understand the concept. We were raised catholic but somehow I fell by the way side. I will write God a letter after this just to tell him that I am looking for him. Nothing dramatic or serious because it feels new….but I want to find him again. So thank you for this post. It is my sign from up above I suppose. I am enternally grateful. Evelyn Ntono.

    Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

    1. Hi Evelyn,

      I’m SO happy this resonated with you and it’s spurred you on to talk to Him again because he’s always so excited to hear from you no matter how long it’s been! Telling Him that you’re looking for him is amazing because as the bible says “seek and ye shall find”. I really pray that you come to a special place with Him where you put Him above everything you have going on (good and not so good) and find comfort in just being in His presence and getting to know Him. We’re all guilty of treating Him like a side chick sometimes but we’re only human and he knows that, so as long as you acknowledge it, pick yourself back up and start speaking to Him, He’ll keep you. Xxxxx

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