Why I’ve Left Being Flawless For Beyoncé 

    

“You’re crazy” is all my friend had to say after I told him that I would choose a non-brand, affordable suitcase over a Louis Vuitton case. What he didn’t seem to understand was that I didn’t (and still don’t) have any interest in owning expensive luggage if it doesn’t match the pieces I currently have or if I can’t buy the matching set. We’d been talking about luggage (as you do when you’re working hard at work…) and I was trying to explain how much I love matching suitcases. I’ve ended up travelling a lot in the last three years, and I like to look like my life is together. Maybe it’s an attempt to avoid those embarrassing scenes of overweight bags and the repacking it brings at the airport *shudder* but in my mind having matching suitcases is a testament to organisation and a preclude to a smooth journey. They don’t have to match in colour, but there has to be some kind of linking theme and I’m conscious of that whenever I buy a new piece. So no thanks, to the LV bag, if it doesn’t come in a set or go with whatever I have at the moment. Yeah, I’m kind of crazy, whatever – I like it.

It doesn’t just stop with my luggage though: my nails are always done, or at the very least filed and tidy. It annoys me when they’re not. I like for my underwear to match (at least here I know I’m not the only one) and for the two twisted crowns I put my hair into to be even on both sides. I am just filled with an incredible sense of satisfaction and achievement when everything is organised and in place and going according to plan.

So perhaps you can imagine my intense frustration when my. life. is. not. to.get.her.

A couple of months ago I blogged about being a terrible christian and not much has changed since then. Or at least, I feel like not much has changed since then. If I am completely honest with myself and objective, I know I’m not everyday-fail-as-a-christian but I tend to focus on the bad days more than the good. Because I HATE not being everyday-amazing-christian. I am annoyed with myself when I make the same mistakes over and over and over again. It upsets me that I don’t love God as much as I should, that I don’t walk in the light and purpose which He’s called me to consistently. I’m frustrated – by myself!- when I know if I would just readmybibleprayeveryday that my life would be closer to what I want it to be, but I still don’t do anything about it.

And so I haven’t blogged much this year because it has been the above struggle. I know what my life is like and where I am lacking spiritually, and writing about anything else feels hypocritical. The truth is – much as it annoys me – I don’t have my life together and I haven’t been very successful in doing my part and picking up the pieces of my life; yet I don’t want to constantly write about it and be that blogger who is always “woe is me”. That’s just depressing.

However.

I don’t think I’m the only one who is in this space and I do think there’s value in battling oneself like this and being transparent about it. Maybe writing about it will help us get better about admitting our faults and weaknesses to one another. Maybe not playing down the ugly parts of ourselves will actually help us in spreading the truth of the gospel. Maybe acknowledging that the answers are there but it’s a lot easier said than done will mean something to someone. I don’t know. But in the spirit of being transparent, here is some evidence that my life is not as together as it may seem:

  1. My closet is a complete mess. It has been for a while now. So much so that I have piles of clothes everywhere and the laundry I managed to do last week has nowhere to go so it’s just sitting in a basket. Also, I don’t think I care enough to do this week’s laundry. TMI? Ah well. 1.b) Inside my bag is worse. It gives me a headache just looking at it. I’m going out later today and I’m going to take a different bag instead of cleaning my main one out. 
  2.  I’d rather spend all my time in bed. Not even sleeping. Just in or on my bed. I’m young, single and crazy clever different enough to do amazing things with all this time I have; but instead of writing one of the many books in my head or volunteering or tidying my closet or whatever, I just sleep.
  3. My eyebrow game is not on fleek.
  4. I haven’t memorised as much of the Bible as I should have. Especially after that blog post I wrote about doing so.
  5. I’m constantly sinning. Sometimes new sins. Mostly the same ones. It’s a vicious cycle and I hate that I don’t trust that Jesus has the power to set us free from sin. Okay I believe it but I almost always give into temptation so I don’t really know what that means.

The fact that I desire to grow in my faith has to count for something. The fact that I get up each time I fall has to mean something.

I’m not perfect but I’m not ready to give up on this Christian thing. It’s me and Jesus, forever and always, and even if things don’t happen as quickly as I’d like them to, we’ll get there eventually.

Love Deborah

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