Tag Archives: advice

5 Things To Consider Before Getting Bum Implants

Nicki-Minaj-pic-I became aware of my flaws quite early on in my life. I was just six years old when I decided that my feet were ugly. I would often say to my Mum that if I could only just cut my feet in half, they would be a normal size. I felt that they were dreadful; too fat and too large for my (then) slender frame. As I grew in age, I also grew exponentially in size and I spent most of my teenage years believing that if I could just lose weight, all my problems would disappear. The root of every issue I had was somehow linked back to my appearance through the faulty thought circuits I had created. By my late teenage years, I ditched the desire to be slim because apparently, as a Black woman, I needed to be ‘thick’. I was thick. I was definitely thick, but not thick in the right places. My breasts were thick, my thighs were thick and my stomach (unfortunately) was thick. Everything was thick, but not in the way that I was told was desirable. My bum wasn’t big enough and my waist wasn’t small enough so my ‘thick’ was just fat.

I always thought that with age, we did away with all the insecurities we accumulated throughout our teenage years. But do we? Or do we just find ways to conceal those insecurities? We stop complaining about our spots because we discover foundation, our weight is no longer a problem because of the hours we spend at the gym fighting our genetic disposition and our natural hair which refuses to grow remains hidden under weaves and wigs.

But what about the flaws that cannot be concealed or mediated naturally? What do we do when the things we hate most about ourselves cannot be impacted by external variables?

We opt for surgery.

I have nothing against surgery but in light of another young woman dying because of the desire to change her body, I felt compelled to ask some questions.

1) Who told you that you were not good enough?

Yes, society continuously pushes images of perfection upon us, images that no ordinary person can attain, but who told you that you weren’t beautiful? Who makes you feel like what you see is not enough? Who told you that those changes were the ‘right’ changes to make? Who dictates what is beautiful?

2) Will it solve your problems?

For a long time I thought that all my personal issues were caused by my weight until I lost the weight and I still had my issues. I naively thought that as soon as my BMI changed I would view all aspects of myself more positively. Unfortunately, that negative self-talk and those insecurities stayed close by until I addressed them. I am not going to argue that perhaps having a larger/smaller *insert here* wouldn’t make you feel better, but I want to know – will it solve your problems?

3) What will you tell your daughter?

NB: this does not apply if you do not want to procreate, please move onto number 4

One of the main reasons I stopped being crazy/obsessive about my weight was because I didn’t want my child to have the issues that I was battling with. In hindsight, this was quite strange because I was 19 at the time I began to fight for my mental freedom, there were no kids in my immediate future and yet, my fight began because of them. I didn’t want my daughter to meet an insecure, broken woman because I knew it would increase the likelihood that she would become one also. I didn’t want her to stand in the mirror and criticise herself because even without meeting her, I knew that she was beautiful and I never wanted her to think otherwise. Imagine a day where your daughter says that she wants to spend x amount in order to change an aspect of herself, an aspect that you consider to be beautiful – what will you say?

4) Will it be worth it?

The thing that pains me most is when surgeries go wrong and we lose beautiful people on a table that they didn’t need to be on in the first place. Unfortunately, it is only after death that we remember how minuscule our flaws are and how precious life is.

5) Where does your confidence come from?

The greatest turning point in my life was when I realised that although I didn’t think I was that special or beautiful, God had created me in His image. I realised that I looked like God. I thought God was amazing; I still do. When God made me, He took into account all the things I would ever need, combined them together and VOILA. It may not look like much when compared to what I see around me but I know that there is nothing that needs changing desperately; I am enough. My confidence isn’t unshakeable but because it depends on a God that does not change, I can always look to Him to affirm me.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvellous—how well I know it.

Psalm 139:13-14

You may never look like the people you see in the magazines, you may never look like the people on Instagram but you are wonderfully complex, you are marvellous and you are enough simply because God says so.

Joy

P.s: Dani and I are so overwhelmed and humbled by all the visitors we’ve received over the past week! Thank you so much for reading xx

How To Look Good Naked

gok_wan

I love make-over shows.  Maybe it’s the idea that you can start with a woman lacking in confidence, unaware of her beauty, and with a few  make-up tips and better fitting clothes, said lady transforms into a swan right before our very eyes. You feel like you’ve gone on the journey with her and you’re nearly as elated as she is when she finally gets to see how breath-taking she can look at The Big Reveal. ‘How to look good naked,’ is probably one of my favourite make-over shows, especially because the master of fashion A.K.A. Gok Wan, manages to transform appearances and multiply confidence without anyone undergoing nips here and tucks there at the hands of a plastic surgeon. (No I’m not anti plastic surgery per se, I just think it’s always nice when you can work with the looks God gave someone and still make them feel beautiful.)

Despite my allegiance to the show, if you’ve ever watched an episode,  you will have also noticed that the show doesn’t actually fulfill it’s branding, and when the hours up, you won’t be any steps closer to improving your naked body. Unlike Gok, I am solemnly swearing this beautiful morning to not only provide looking good naked advice, but also feeling good naked tips. Look good= feel good? Or is it, feel good= look good? Is it just me or does your outward appearance have a strong correlation with how you feel on the inside? When you haven’t got that shape up, you’re edges need perming, or your skin is being an enemy of progress and breaking out all over the gaff, it’s really hard to still feel like you’re great and you have good things going for you. There’s an interesting relationship between how you feel and how you look, so, sort out one of them, and you’re halfway to happiness.

Maybe I’m just a shallow lass but when the mirror is telling me things I don’t want to hear it’s really hard to put my happy face on.

Last summer I came to a realisation. I remember I was looking through my Facebook photos when it suddenly dawned on me, and I felt a huge urge to share my recent discovery. As I picked up the phone to inform my various amigos, I broke the news to them gently: I wasn’t a beaut. Now don’t get me wrong, before this day I wasn’t under some impression that I was a head-turner or anything worthy of breath holding, but I did feel ‘more happy than sad’ when I faced my reflection. It was weird; all of a sudden I had been hit with this new reality that I was absolutely nothing special. Of course my friends responded in the way they do to most of the melodramatic things I say and rolled their eyes, telling me my utterances were foolish and foundation-less. But it’s like the more I said it, the more I came to terms with the average Joe I had always been but only realised I’d become. That’s when the change began…

I’d told myself I was Plain Jane and from that day I couldn’t see anything else. I wasn’t at despair with my mug-shot, it just didn’t bring me any kind of joy. If in the summer I only had an inclining that I was just your average girl, by the winter I had completely become her. I looked in the mirror and saw a ‘something lacking, nothing to write home’ about lass, looking back at me,  and didn’t even realise the effect it was having on my outlook on life. I thought I was complacent with a ‘who cares if I’m not beautiful, why should I get to feel nice anyway’ attitude but it was slowly eating away at me and the sadness I felt when faced with my reflection spread to other areas of my life and hovered over me like a grey cloud ready to rain on my parade. It’s strange because we tell ourselves that there’s more to us than looks and then spend a whole lot of time letting our  appearances govern how we feel and the confidence we lay claim to. So there I was, in  a rut that I didn’t even know I was stuck in, when one moment threw me out of synch with my ‘I’m ugly, self-pity’, routine.

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalm 139:14

Bible study one Monday got the cogs in my head turning as I was reminded of scriptures I absent-mindedly recite: life and death is in the power of the tongue. That was it. Hey presto! I had singly handedly made myself ugly and If I wanted to feel beautiful again I needed to speak it over myself, which is  exactly what I did. Waking up and finding nothing in my appearance to smile about I looked into my eyes and told myself I was fearfully and wonderfully made. If God says I’m wonderful that means I’m a spice even when I just feel like rice with no salt.(spice= pretty person.) By the end of the week I had got my mojo back.

You can call me crazy all you like, but I genuinely did speak some pretty over my life, and within a week I saw it.

I guess I learnt three things.

Firstly: If you believe it you’ll see it.

I’ve always been a big believer in this so I don’t know why I let myself believe something I didn’t want to be true. It’s like self-fulfilling prophecy: once you convince someone they’ll amount to nothing, they start believing you and stop trying so hard to achieve. The Bible tells us everything we need to know about ourselves so when ideas come into our heads that don’t match up with what God says about us then we need to kick those thoughts to the curb where they belong.

Secondly: Don’t say things you don’t want to become/remain true.

Our words are way more powerful than we give them credit for. God made the whole world by speaking because:what we say, we create. This means we have to be ultra-careful to not curse ourselves and not let others curse us. We may have all felt like the exam we’ve just taken was a struggle but WE are not going to fail, if YOU feel like YOU are going to fail don’t include ME in your sentence. I know I sound extreme, but it’s time we started taking the things we say, and the things said about us more seriously.

Lastly: You are beautiful.

You may not fit into the current mass media definition of beauty but that’s the great thing about the world we live in, opinions change. God doesn’t. You might never feel world pretty, but as long as you know you’re God wonderful, to heck with magazine portrayal.

To everyone wishing they were model pretty, remember that your God defined beauty before any human could say what was the right and wrong way to look. Find your reflection in the Bible, there’s way more truth in that than your mirror.

 

Love lots

 

Dani xxxxx