Every now and again, I take a moment to reflect on how far I’ve come. Now, I’m not an ancient flower, looking down the various roads I’ve travelled because a meeting with my creator is looming in the not-too-far-distance, rather, I think I (too) often become almost obsessed with all that I don’t have, steadily becoming disgruntled, afraid and anxious as I compare where I am with where I’d like to be.
As I sat preparing to write a post today, I realised that I didn’t want to write about my ex (maybe another time) or the weird Israel Houghton scandal (I use the word weird because it reminded me that Christians can be the most judgemental people on the planet). After texting Dani to tell her I wouldn’t be writing today, I thought about writing a gratitude post and lo and behold, here I am, posting!
Here are some of the things I am grateful for:
My job is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
This is probably an exaggeration. It is emotionally draining, challenging and every single day it feels as though I’ve fallen short (a bit like my Christian walk, gahhh), but here, I am growing. It’s not easy feeling inadequate and completely out of my depth, but I feel blessed to be in an environment where I am forced to grow. As the saying goes, ‘the comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there’.
I often take for granted how blessed I am to be in control (to some extent) of my emotional state. I do not have persistent voices telling me what to do or hallucinations that cause me to speak to people who aren’t there. When we throw around the word ‘crazy’ or ‘mad’, we undermine and belittle the excruciating existence of those who have mental health issues and are unable to conquer them. I think too often we don’t stand up for those who can’t speak for themselves because we aren’t directly affected by the issue. I’m looking forward to getting more involved with organisations who seek to break down the stigma surrounding mental health.
My best friend
As I’ve mentioned in my previous posts, I’m not the most forthcoming with how I feel
(unless you’re bae and then…well…it’s a different story). Despite not having persistent voices in my head, the past few months haven’t been the easiest. I honestly didn’t realise how bad I’d been, until last week. It’s as though a dark cloud had settled and I had become so accustomed to its numbing power that became unaware of its effects. I thank God the cloud has finally passed. I have to thank God for my best friend, Rachel, who continues to carry me when I’m not strong enough to walk, who doesn’t require words to understand my pain, who is empathetic, willing and ready to love me back to life – even when she isn’t in a position to. I love you, gurl! Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a friend.
Both have been wonderful during this transitional year, supportive, kind, ready to go to war for me when necessary! They could have easily have been the type to break my spirit but they have so readily encouraged me and uplifted me. I am truly grateful to God for their support.
It seems strange to be grateful for my health when I’ve spent the past week throwing up, nursing flare ups etc but as I’m reflecting on the journey thus far, it feels appropriate to mention it. There was a time where I didn’t think I’d be able to walk again without limping, or eat without throwing up so even though the flare ups can be intense, anxiety-inducing experiences, I am grateful that I am not where I used to be. I am finding ways to handle my condition and that, in itself, is a reason to give thanks.
I know you didn’t think I’d finish a gratitude post, on Good Friday, without mentioning the greatest day in history (or maybe the second greatest day? Resurrection Sunday is around the corner, woo!!!) Today I am grateful for an indescribable love. Words fail me; I literally do not possess the words that will encapsulate what this love has done for me. It has healed me. It has challenged me. It has lifted me.
Today, I celebrate this love with millions around the world who look to the cross, the work of Jesus Christ, the greatest act of love the world has ever seen as we remember where we were when we found Jesus. Thank you Jesus for the cross!
All my love,
ps: Andre 3000 is my mood all day today, I just wish my hair was as laid as his 😦