Tag Archives: who is the one

How It Feels To Be Single (While Everyone Is Busy Getting Married)


I’m ten years old. It’s 3.15pm. School finished at 3pm and Mum still hasn’t picked me up from the school gates. Jessica, Becky and Shaniqua are all long gone, and it’s only Billy (the boy who picks his nose) left. Wait. No, he’s gone too. I stare into the distance, willing my Mother to appear, but as the minutes pass, that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach intensifies; I realise that I’ve been forgotten. Mum isn’t coming. I’ve been left behind.

I think the emotions I experienced while waiting to be collected from school as a child best describes the feelings that creep up when another friend gets engaged on Facebook. I’d never wish that Jess, Bex and Shan be left behind too, but as they wander off singing with their life partners, I’m reminded that I’m still waiting.

There goes Jess. There goes Shan. There goes Dani.

Will I ever be picked up? Will I ever be chosen?

I write for all my single people who don’t get consumed with jealousy when their friends get cuffed. There is genuine joy (awkward pun) and jubilation when my friends find happiness in the form of another human being (the concept of marriage genuinely baffles me, it’s another thing my mind cannot conceive; I’m supposed to love you and be with you FOREVER????) I think there is a part in all of us that seeks out that love from another, a love that differs from the love that is offered from our friends, family and even God. It’s different. Unique. It’s like a hunger that cannot be satisfied by anything else. For some of us, it grows beyond our control, becoming acute and desperate.

I’m not in that space yet. I think my desire for a relationship is more a consequence of external factors than internal forces. If everyone on FB wasn’t in the business of getting married and pushing out babies, I’m unsure whether a desire for a boyfriend would even exist. I’m content in my sphere, with my many projects and my crazy friends. But there are moments when those are not enough. When I realise that the books that I hold will never hold me in return. When my projects come to an end and all I have is time. When my friends already have weekend plans. When I’m in the house on a Saturday night, writing this post instead of being taken out by the love of my life.

In Dani’s last post she wrote about a question that has been posed to her since getting engaged.

 ‘Why not me?’

I have to admit I’ve asked this question. As pictures of baby scans, wedding proposals and the likes have filled my Facebook TL (Twitter isn’t as brutal), I’ve asked ‘Why not me?’ This question isn’t limited to changes in relationship and family status, rather, it crosses my mind when a friend moves to Dubai, when another earns £200 a day or when another buys their own home at the age of 22. When others seem to be enjoying milestones that seem inaccessible to me, I ask myself why I’m not in a similar position; what did I do wrong? I must admit, it’s a difficult question to answer without throwing a 3-minute pity party.

Despite the sporadic waves of lonely and the ‘Why not me?’ question, I’m in a pretty good place. I’m 4 weeks away from staging my first ever play in a theatre, I’m surrounded by people who love me for who I am, and while I’ve managed to bring my love for chicken and alcohol under control, both still bring me copious amounts of joy. I am determined to be content with this phase of my life. I watch plays, eat out and visit different Churches alone because I want to be okay with being on my own. I don’t want my singlehood to scare me or to spend this time watching, waiting and hoping some guy will stumble across me. I’ve accepted that I might just be alone forever. I hope one day my husband reads this post and laughs at my pessimistic view – but what if he never does? What if I’m single for the rest of my days?

I’m not going to tell you that God has someone just for you; there are enough blogs that are in the business of selling dreams. I am going to tell you that you have a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11), that the world needs you to be the best you (Colossians 3:23-24), that people are depending on you to show up and be great and that if you let it, your potential will be buried with you. I think being single can feel like a small pain in your leg. If you concentrate on it for long enough, it’ll hurt to walk and it will become all you think about. However, if you focus on the fact that you can write, feel, think and see, the pain will lessen and you will begin to see life in all its fullness.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get married. I don’t know if someone will ever love me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. The idea blows my mind and the thought makes me incredibly nervous so I’m obviously not ready.

Are you? Is it what you want?

Or do you want it because it’s what everyone else is doing?

If you are genuinely ready, then pray about it without letting the desire to be loved cause you to forget that you are loved immeasurably.  If you’re like me, humbled by the thought of marriage and perhaps too crazy/insecure to even see that far ahead, then remember that right now, in this very moment, you are enough; full, whole and complete.

Lots of love,

Joy xx

Why Am I Still Single?


I’m not sure whether this has happened to you before, maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. If it hasn’t, I’m going to to set the scene for you:

 Your friend invites you to a gathering and to your surprise it’s not completely boring – in fact, it’s becoming the best night you’ve had in a long time. Conversation is flowing, everyone is having a great time and then the person you’re talking to you suddenly says:

 You’re so great – why are you still single?!

This startling (and arguably offensive) question reminds you of the not-so-subtle hints and questions you’ve been receiving in what were once safe environments.

It all began the year I graduated from university; I noticed that when the women from my church would pray for me, ‘a god-fearing husband’ was suddenly on the menu of blessings. From that point onwards, I began to notice a shift in other areas; young women I had known for years would drop sentences into our conversations such as ‘so when I get married’, wedding ideas were casually being thrown into discussions and my Facebook newsfeed became an array of engagement rings and relationship status updates.

What was going on? What had I missed?

Let it be known that I had no real problems with weddings (except that they were long and there was rarely enough food for everyone). Even though I wasn’t really sure why people were so excited about marriage (if it was so easy, why were there so many divorces?) my main concern was the assumption that because I was a woman and above the age of 21, I should be seeking a man to settle down with.

There is a deep-rooted cultural and religious belief that we are somehow completed when we meet our life partners and that this is when our lives truly begin but this simply cannot be true. As a Christian, our lives begin the moment we surrender to Christ and true completion can only be found in him. He is the One, our soul mate, our true love – and all those other mushy western concepts.

It is so easy to get sucked into that weird world of ‘waiting’ but before I jumped on the eager-to-be-married-bandwagon, I decided to ask myself a few questions:

 Do I believe I have an individual purpose?

God created me with wants, needs, hopes, dreams and most importantly, a purpose. Now while I believe that some of our purposes can be linked in some way to other individuals, I also believe that if our purpose were completely dependent on another, we would have been born in twos. Since we were not, I am forced to conclude that… wait for it…there are things that we have to accomplish as individuals and certain parts of our journey that we have to walk alone.

Am I lonely?

Loneliness is an issue we don’t really like to talk about because it makes us seem weak, feeble and needy, but it is a state that a lot of us experience – some of us experience it every single day. Every time I am lonely, I begin to question how far I am standing from God. It says in the Bible that God will never leave me (Deuteronomy 31:8) so whenever I feel alone instead of reaching for my iPhone, I do my best to reach out for him because he is always there.

 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

John 15:13

Real, real, real talk: if you are Christian who is constantly jumping from one relationship to another because you desire constant communication and validation, I urge you to look to God; the one that stays and never leaves (Joshua 1:5) and the one that does not forsake (Deuteronomy 31:6). I hope that you will also come to see the finished work of the cross (John 19:30) as your constant source of validation. Remember that there was a man that loved you enough to lay down his life for you in the hope that you would one day come to love and accept him. He loved you even before you could love him. If that doesn’t make you feel just a little bit special, I don’t know what will.

Am I seeking to be the perfect spouse or am I seeking to be like Jesus?

Okay, I get it; you wouldn’t try and sit an exam without revising (unless you’re me and it’s GCSE time) so yes, it is important to prepare yourself for marriage. However, the Bible speaks more on striving to be like Christ than it does about journeying to become the perfect spouse.

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.

1 Peter 2:21

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Ephesians 5:1-2

Every time I feel like I am getting somewhere with God, I inevitably become complacent; a day will pass where I haven’t set time apart for him or a situation will arise where I respond inappropriately. There is internal work to be done and there should a constant movement towards the person God called me to be because that it my ultimate goal.

Have I forgotten that there is a time for everything?

There is no rush and there is no decree that I must be married by *insert arbitrary age here*

 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Doing things in my own strength and my own time usually has disastrous consequences. Sometimes I’ve got to shake myself and remember that I am  worth having and that my spouse will be worth the wait.

This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.

Habakkuk 2:3

I know that my stance isn’t a popular one at the moment. I should be telling you to wait patiently in your bedroom praying, hoping that the One somehow finds your address and knocks on your front door but that would be poor advice. There are many other Christian blogs which will detail heavily ‘what to do while you wait’ and that’s great, it really is, I just feel that we have shifted our focus and have begun to idolise marriage. This is deadly  because it will never live up to our expectations or withstand the burden we are placing upon this sacred union. There are many more important things (outside of marriage) to be achieved and seeking God about those things should not be neglected whilst you ‘wait’. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but life revolves around Jesus – he is the One.

Your Single Pringle,

Joy xxxx